Going Ultra for Mountain Rescue: Trollers Trot and The Haworth Hobble 2015

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So begins yet another story of willy-nilly signing up for races

Most runners have some "unfinished business" whether it be a race you didn't perform in or one that you didn't make it to the start line of. I have more than one, but the dragon to slay this year was the Haworth Hobble (32 miles and 4400ft) after injury prevented me from toeing the line last year and completing my first ever ultra-marathon. Of course, if I'd got injured whilst out running and couldn't make it home Mountain Rescue would have saved my sorry life which is a very comforting thought.
To make things worse, last year I had bought the t-shirt in advance and the organisers kindly sent it to me when I failed to show on the day. Pride prevented me from ever wearing it. A difficult 2014 spent mainly trying to regain past strength, speed and endurance meant that my first ultra marathon seemed horribly distant only a few months ago, but in a fit of optimism (and probably booze, yes it was almost certainly booze) I signed up for the Hobble again for 2015. I will admit that signing up for Trollers Trot (25 miles and 2400ft) taking place the weekend before wasn't exactly part of the plan and also, I don't really plan. But Oh well, I thought, if it goes mammaries skyward, the amazing volunteers of Mountain Rescue will save me.

5 weeks before the big race I took part in Rombald's stride. At 22 miles and 2400ft it seemed perfect training for the Hobble, however, it didn't go well....... To cut a long story short, after a good mid-section I blew up badly and ended up finishing at a crawl. Turns out I had been brewing a stomach bug during the race and ended up very forcibly ejecting the contents of my stomach and bowels over the next 12 hours. But enough of that.

Trollers Trot: 7/3/15

Fast forward a few weeks and I lined up for Trollers trot. Once again at a race, I was under prepared, under trained and worried.

Brave faces at the start

Having been stupid enough to sign up to a 25 miler one week before attempting my first ultra, my plan was simple for both races- survive; just get round in one piece and call Mountain Rescue if it all went wrong (Not frivolously of course, only if in real need, only idiots call the rescue services without good reason)

At Rombald's stride I had gone out like I do at most races; trying to feel my way and listening to my body. The trouble is my body was in a bad mood and wanted to punish me for daring to wake it up early on a weekend. Its voice that day sounded like Dot Cotton, if she smoked twice as many cigs.

The day of Trollers I committed one of running's deadliest sins and was wearing a new pair of trainers with only around 10 miles on the clock. As anyone who has ever read a running magazine knows, wearing something new on race day will almost certainly result in you having a major brain aneurysm and/or breaking all your leg bones resulting in having to call out Mountain Rescue to ensure you arrive at hospital safely. That's if it didn't bring on the very apocalypse. I had intended to run this race in More Mile Cheviots as they have a great fell shoe grip combined with the perfect amount of cushioning in them. Sadly, their notorious chocolate-chip-biscuit-strength uppers died after less than 100 miles during Romabald's stride and had split wide open.

They're dead Jimmmmm!!

Cue desperate search for a new pair of trainers to wear. Inov8 X-talons would be way too minimal for me at the moment for this kind of distance. Luckily I spotted that Nike had brought out a version of their flex road shoe in a trail version and they were on sale at Go Outdoors. Using my NHS discount I snapped up a pair and after 10 off-road miles in them, I decided they would probably do for Trollers and hopefully the Hobble. Brave or what? But obviously, not as brave as the amazing men and ladies of Mountain Rescue.

To Do? No thank you!

With only ten minutes to go, I discovered my asthma inhaler was empty, because I'm a genius like that; so off I sprinted back to the car. I had decided not to use the toilets earlier when I saw that the queue stretched back in to infinity, but on return from the car I knew it wasn't going to wait. Luckily everyone was now milling around outside rather than in the bogs so I was able to sit 3 inches from the floor on the primary-school-child-height loos. Had I got stuck in one, I am sure I could have called Mountain Rescue to pry me off it (No doubt with a large comedy POP)
The milling outside turned in to moving on the command of a quiet "Go" from the organiser and we were away, looking absolutely nothing like a herd of African gazelles.

No, I had no idea what I looked like in the buff hat, do you think I'd have been wearing it like that if I did?

I decided to take Trollers as easy as I could to see if preserving energy was the way to go after the disaster that was Rombald's. For the first 10 miles this seemed to go very well. I trotted along with Adrian, chatting and laughing and generally enjoying a lovely day out. We merrily passed through fields and paths, up and down dale, over, around and through puddles and the miles melted away.
At 18ish miles, we spotted Simon up ahead, much to my surprise. I may have the beating of Simon over short races, but certainly not over anything long or with lots of ascent. In a further happy coincidence we had caught him at the "Fellandale check-point"

The race organiser, Paul Shack had very generously offered to donate £45 to charity for each volunteer runners found. Another Fellandaler, Carl Prendergast had spotted this, and being the very Yorkshirest of Yorkshiremen, he offered to volunteer; never being a man to turn down the offer of summat for nowt. I roped in Debi and we had a Fellandale checkpoint! Paul further enhanced the donation to Mountain Rescue by topping the donation up to £100 as a reward for getting the volunteers on board so quickly.

I shouted to Debi to get her camera out so we could get a Fellandale group photo, but Simon and Adrian kept going after a brief drink of water and some biscuits so all we got was this shot of us running away with me looking especially "special" in my buff twat-hat with the world's largest bum-bag. At least it made my arse look small in comparison.

At that point I felt ok, no real niggles and I felt I had plenty of miles left in my legs. I was wrong, very, very wrong.

As the last few miles wore on, my thighs and hips got tighter, and tighter. Before long they were agony. Simon and Adrian gradually pulled away from me. By the time I hit the last stretch along the river, I was miserable. Moving in any way was painful and the last 5 miles were total misery. Runner after runner passed me as I shuffled along. If I stretched out for a minute I could run for about 2 before the tightness returned. So I hobbled and grumbled and bimbled through to the finish, occasionally wishing that the amazing Mountain Rescue would rescue me rather than saving their expertise on people in genuine trouble.
At the tables in the cafeteria later, Adrian took this cruel shot of me stretching near one of the tables:

I had finished in under 4 hours, but the torrid time I had endured between 20-25 miles did not bode well for a race in only 7 days time with 7 more miles tagged on the end and 2000 more feet stacked on the top.

The main event: The Haworth Hobble

The Haworth Nobble

20 minutes after the end of Trollers trot the tightness in my thighs and hips had subsided and I felt fine, which gave me a plan for the Hobble- should the cramps come on again, I would stop for 20 minutes and lay down and/or have something to eat. One of the runner's home remedies of which I had oft heard tell was to eat something salty when the cramps came on, so I emptied a packet of salted cashews into a zip-lock bag.
Taking it easy certainly hadn't worked at all in the last couple of long events, so the new tactic was to run how I felt at my natural pace and hope to get as far as I could before the wheels fell off, I blew my big end and the windscreen wipers started making a squeaky sound.

I was quite surprised by the size of the crowd gathered in the small school hall a little way from the main street of the beautiful village of Haworth. Haworth is best known as the home of the Bronte sisters and is a Mecca for fans of the Bronte's books and also for fans of small gift shops, cafes, chip shops and pubs.

This is what I had to "look forward to" The route looks oddly like the monument on Stoodley pike

My friend Tom also had unfinished business with this race. Last year he had finished behind Simon and outside 6 hours and this year he wanted to put that right. Simon couldn't run this year, but the sub 6 hour time was Tom's target. As I said, I had no target other than finishing. but Simon spurred me on a little when he was sceptical that I would get near 6 hours.
Debi picked us up bright and early and I was very grateful that I would have a lift and also photos from Debi to document my first ultra.

The race itself starts on the cobbled street in the centre of Haworth whilst bemused tourists look on.

That bloke's not actually running in denim- it's just denim-look shorts. Weird eh?

And remember, when starting your first ultra, or hell, any ultra, it's very important to do a monkey impression. Start as you mean to go on, I say.

That's Tom in the orange next to me

For the next 13 miles (You don't really want to hear all about them do you?) Tom and I ran together. We headed out of Haworth, around to Widdop reservoir where half the field went one way around it, and half went the other. Down we went to Hurstwood reservoir and along the dam.Somewhere along here I was disappointed to be over-taken by an older lady.When it turned out that that lady was Nicky Spinks (She is about to attempt to knock enough time off her Bob Graham round time to claim the all-time record (i.e. men and women) for the lowest cumulative time for the Bob Graham, Paddy Buckley and Ramsay rounds) I have to admit I felt a lot better.

Tom photobombed my photo. He's such a child. Lol. #yolo wtf?! lmfao

At about 13 miles I stopped for some fluids and a biscuit at a check point and Tom went off in front. He soon disappeared into the distance and I let him go as I knew I needed to run my own race.
The route headed up a long, steep hill near a wind farm and I forced myself to walk up it. I found that I had to force myself to walk many of the up hills during the race that I was capable of running as I didn't dare waste too much energy running them. I look forward to the day when I am conditioned well enough to not worry and run them.

This photo doesn't do justice to the steepness of this hill, honest

Whiskey Galore!

A few miles later I made my way down to the youth hostel at Mankinholes for the infamous whiskey stop. I had been told about the whiskey stop many times and Simon, who is known in some circles as an evil genius and in yet more circles as just "Simon", offered me an extra donation to Mountain Rescue if I partook of the whiskey. At 18.5 miles in to the race it didn't seem like the greatest idea, but what the hell, it was for charidee.

Sadly, the kind volunteer that responded to my request to be an impromptu cameraman cut off the beginning of the video where I said "I hate you Simon Franklin" and the end where I say "Ooooh, it's a Talisker"
In a not totally un-illegal way, a child of around 14 was dolling out the whiskey shots and was filling the shot glasses to the brim. The shot tasted great........... for about 5 seconds, before it landed at the bottom of my stomach like a brick. Luckily, it didn't make me ill enough to require Mountain Rescue.
It was about that time that I looked up to the monument on Stoodley Pike atop a very large climb.

As I made my way up I lost sight of the snake of people in front of me so just followed my nose. I have to admit I chuckled when I realised a lot of people had followed me as I went awry and ended up scrambling up a steep grassy bank with probably all of them cursing me.

As you can see from the above photos, Debi was lurking in the monument documenting the day. I had suggested she station herself there thinking that a photo of the monument with the landscape behind it would make a great photo. What I didn't realise is just how damned large the monument is and also, I didn't realise that the wind would ensure a wind-chill factor of minus a cajillion degrees which as we all know can cause hypothermia, a condition that Mountain Rescue are trained to deal with. So all in all, these were great photos.

I pottered down the hill in to Hebden bridge and started to run along with the guy in green in the photo below

He told me he had run the race several times and had done it in under 6 hours last year. Not only that, he was also born in Hebden bridge. Handy, I thought, at least I won't get lost. So it was hilarious when we managed to miss the steps in Hebden bridge as we began the climb up to Heptonstall and ended up on a short detour around the road route instead. We ran along together chatting for a few miles before I headed off in front of him.

Take a hint: Donate to Mountain Rescue you Tight Get

I had begun to suffer at around mile 20 and had a feeling of foreboding. Would I end up cramping like I had at Trollers? I couldn't imagine covering 10+ miles in that state, 5 miles had been bad enough. Each time I felt the cramps coming on, I slowed to a walk and ate some salted cashews and each time, after a few minutes, the cramps subsided. That said, I felt like I was running a razor edge wondering if I was going to blow up badly. Of course, if tiredness at this point had caused me to fall and break a leg, Mountain Rescue would have come out to me. I am really not sure if there is any real evidence to suggest that salt actually stops cramps, and I really don't want to fall in to confirmation bias, but it did seem that each time I ate some salted cashews, the cramps went away. Of course, the mere action of slowing down and having some food and drink may have been what stopped the cramps.

Then all of a sudden, I began to feel good. The aches and pains were melting away. I started to speed up. Looking at my watch I could see that I had around 6 miles left and just over an hour left to go under 6 hours. I felt a real boost from this info. Then I got another boost; I caught up with Tom.

As I was careening down a small gulley, I spotted Tom in front going through a gate. I have to admit, it felt good. If I had caught Tom, it meant I was doing pretty well.
As I caught him I attempted a breezy hello.
" 'Ow do Tom" I said, in what must have sounded like a sarcastic tone. He looked around and saw me.
"Ah shit!" he said.

I flew past him. Later on, he told me that when he saw how well I was moving, he knew he would have no chance of keeping up. He was even flattering enough to say I looked like one of the elites. I didn't of course, unless one of the elites had decided to do a monkey impression.

The fairly new Nike trainers at the end; well and truly broken in

I now had that sub 6 hour time in my sights. I was running freely with no real pain. I started to over take a lot of other runners, which was lucky as I had no idea where I was going and seeing other runners appear in front was keeping me on the right track.

Now I recognised the paths above Haworth. I passed around Penistone hill and to my delight, Naomi, another Fellandaler had turned up. She took some photos and jogged along for a bit with me, giving me a mouthful of lucozade. It was another real boost to see her.
On the way down I fell in to step with two other runners, but soon I was leaving them behind. Unfortunately, I still didn't know where I was going for the end of the race so I stopped once or twice to let them catch up so I could ask directions.
Then I hit on an idea. "You know" I said to them, "We've got about 15 minutes to get in to Haworth to come under 6 hours"
"Really?! We thought that had gone. Right!"
And so they sped up.

The End is Nigh

The church in Haworth appeared and I knew it was only a short trot from there back to the school, and yet it still hadn't crossed my mind that I was going to make it. Knowing my luck, I would fall on the cobbles in Haworth and have to call out Mountain resc......... actually, to be fair. I'd probably call an ambulance if I fell in Haworth.

We popped out onto the main street of Haworth to the stares of really confused tourists. I nearly missed the steps that would take me down to the school, but the helpful runners behind me made sure I went down them. As I crossed the busy road over to the school, it finally hit me that I was going to finish this thing. I was going to be able to call myself an ultra runner! A huge smile spread across my face.

Just outside the school gates. Don't try pelting down a drive through a primary school at any other time. They don't like it

In one final attempt to go the wrong way, I nearly headed down the drive before I was pointed the right way by a runner who had already finished.

I had done it! And my final time?

I went in to the packed school feeling like a Friday night roll-over win. I didn't feel like eating but I tucked in to a couple of cups of tea. All around me people knew nothing of my triumph, because almost all of them had experienced it for themselves, some many years ago and some many times over.

This year I didn't want to tweak the nipples of fate again by buying the t-shirt in advance so I was really pleased to find out that they were selling them on the day and also, that they were much nicer than last year's all black affair. This year's also have the date on them.

After stripping behind the door in a corridor (Also not something to try in normal circumstances in a primary school) I was even in a good enough state to wander around Haworth with Debi and have a pint of Guinness in one of the fine local hostelries.

Damage Report

Incredibly, I sustained very little damage in this heavy assault on my own body. No blisters, not even any hot spots. My legs were a little sore but that soon subsided over the next few days. The recovery run a couple of days later saw off most of the soreness for good. The muscles in my feet were the main cause of concern, but by the end of the week, they were fine too. So much to my surprise, I had managed my main goal; surviving intact.
At 2 minutes 10, this video will remove any doubt that I run like a monkey:

And the fund raising for Mountain Rescue? Over £400!! Get in!